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Writer's pictureDaya Montakhebi

Does the heart grow fonder with distance?

As a 20-something year old, I understand that life will not always be easy-peasy. These years of youth are going to challenge you. Make you cringe. Make you cry. Make you happy. Bring you up. Break you down. This is the time where we are expected to grow up and find our careers, our passions. Basically you're supposed to know who you are at this point, and if you don't, well life is going to be THAT much harder.

BE WHOEVER YOU WANT TO BE.

Well, frankly when we put all the societal pressures to the side, we are whoever we want to be. You're not limited in what you do, your limits may only represent detours, they might consume a bit more of your time, but personally I consider them valuable (as you hopefully will learn how to embrace as well). Doing whatever we want can be scary, but it can also lead to many opportunities, especially if you're focused on developing yourself and your future.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves here though, figuring yourself out for real is a whole different story. But what happens if you happen to fall in love during this time of self-discovery? Some couples choose to try out long distance relationships. Some work out and some simply do not.


I'm going to stop you there, and get you to think a little bit for me. Do you know any couples that are long distance? Now focus on real couples that you know, I don't mean celebrities or #instagramcouples. Think about how they feel towards each other, how they act when they are together, apart, how they talk. How does it compare to a couple you know that is not long distance? Have the majority worked out or not?


Let me share a couple stories with you...


I know this one couple that have been together for almost 4 years. They met in university, lived on/near campus (separately but each with roommates), studied together, partied together, etc. However, each summer the one would go back home or sometimes both would go back home, ending up hundreds of kilometers away from each other. Now they didn't just go home for a couple weeks, they went home for a couple months and periodically they would spend that amount of time away from each other. Well now they both live in those different cities spending visiting time with each other only, talking over the phone, skype, etc. These two people (of course from what I have been privileged to know) seem incredibly happy and yes, are still together.


On the other end of the spectrum though, long distance can crash and burn. Another couple started off being together in the same city and life took them separate ways; one moving to a different country and the other planning to follow close ahead. From what I know, they were happy together living in the same place but once separation occurred, things started to get a bit rocky. During their time apart the one who moved, he visited the her occasionally, but more than she visited him. He was doing things to help them be together in the same city again, but she decided to live her own life in different ways. The results were they 'crashed and burned', unable to work things out.


If I may though, to just stick in a little reminder that relationships are not 100% happy-go-lucky all the time (stay tuned for a discussion on conflict coming soon).


Life stops for no one

Now I don't personally know the deep details of either of these stories, but potentially those are the most important. How come the first couple are still together and able to be happy, but the second couple exploded with detrimental passions? This comes back to figuring out who you are, what you need, want, and desire in not only a relationship, but also your life. These points can end up being very similar to or different from your partner as well.


With my successful LDR friends, they seem to have a good understanding of what each need from each other, from themselves, and from the relationship to feel - what I like to call - full. Their individual personalities allowed that physical gap to be present, maybe they don't require physical touch all the time (for a fact I know they don't), but instead just require words of affirmation or quality time over skype to feel full.

Keep in mind, each individual speaks their own fraction of a certain love language and your partner may or may not be aligned with you. Potentially this was the problem with the second relationship I told you about. One partner may have needed physical touch to feel full, and the other was full from the thought of a future together and the quality time they spent over skype or vacations.

Especially with us youth, LIFE IS MOVING REALLY FAST AND IT DOES NOT STOP. If our education or career means we have to move, that's a decision we must make. Do you leave your partner for your future? Can you involve your partner in your future? I think a few factors influence this decision (these are not in order, can be as important as you consider them to be).


  • How long you have been together/how serious is it?

  • If your love languages overlap more than not

  • What is the separating factor?

  • Will they move with me?

  • What am I sacrificing?

  • What will my partner be sacrificing?

  • What will happen if I don't move?

  • What's more important to me [aka you]?


So all these factors - plus more if you think of any - might be important in weighing into your decision to explore a LDR or not. In regards to the second couple I briefly mentioned.. their mentalities were completely different. Sure maybe they were in love at some point, but one required affection and intimacy more than words, and the other didn't necessarily see it the same way.

One person's requirements must align with the other person's qualifications

In regards to the first couple, they had to move for work but they came to a consensus that the love is strong enough that it wont break. Love to them might look like a lot of things, but one interesting point is that they need anything else from anyone as they provide each other will feelings of fullness.

In regards to the second couple.. their mentalities were completely different. Sure maybe they were in love at some point, but one required affection and intimacy more than words, and the other didn't necessarily see it the same way.



No matter how far away you move or how close you live, if your values are not aligned there will be a huge disconnect. If I don't feel full, I will always be searching for more, and to be full means to be knowledgeable of what will help you get there.

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