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Writer's pictureDaya Montakhebi

Make Moves, Move Mountains

Updated: Dec 31, 2018

Picture this.

You're at a pub.

Your friends are chatting it up.

Someone walks in the door and catches your eye for a brief second.

You turn away, but then automatically do a double take.

This person is cute.

And cute is an understatement.

(Oh and keep in mind you're fully available)

He/she sits at the bar alone.

Eye contact throughout the night is made.

Your night is about to end.

Your friends get up and leave.

You exchange one last look and throw in a slight smile.

You walk away & your mind races for hours about them.


Does regret fill your mind? Do you wish he/she had made a move? Are you ever going to see him/her again? What's going on anymore?



Well according to researchers, not many people make the first move and that's mainly due to the notion of rejection.


Rejection can be a touchy topic, but I'm going to put it out there:

everyone either already has or will experience rejection.


But let's go back a few steps, what does rejection mean and what factors into rejection?

Accessibility and receptivity are two key factors. Has this person been noticed? Have they noticed you? Have they been looking at you? Smiling at you? Are they receptive to your flirting? Are they flirting back? What is flirting?!


SO MANY QUESTIONS!


Men and women across the board use similar non-verbal flirting techniques:

- eye contact

- smiling

- slight appropriate, yet intimate, touch (ex. soft touches, arm around the waist, hand on cheek)

- Mimicry

- Physical Proximity

- Laughing

Over time, not only can one learn signs of flirting, but also can practice and notice it more often.

(Check out this quick quiz to see how well you can notice a flirt!)


BUT ANYWAYS. If we can notice that flirting, then making a move shouldn't be a problem right? WRONG. Apparently making a move is more complex than that.


Fear of rejection is one of the primary reasons people give for their failure to initiate a potential relationship

According to research, we approach individuals who seem to be more receptive to us, which for the majority of the time we may not even notice. This can definitely be a problem. But our thoughts of rejection expand more than that.

There is something called Pluralistic Ignorance

It is a social psychological term where one individual believes one thing but thinks everyone else believes something else. To make it a bit easier to understand, let's check out a scenario:

You're at a movie with a few friends and on the way out one of the group members leaves all their garbage around the seats and on the floor. This upsets you as you don't appreciate littering, no matter where it is. However, you notice that none of your friends speak up, so you assume none of them care. To avoid humiliation of being the "odd one out", you also don't say anything. Later you find out that some other group members did care.

So basically, you believed a norm was accepted by all, even though they didn't actually accept it. Ignorance of the pluralists.

No one believes, but everyone thinks that everyone believes

Pluralistic ignorance can effect our romantic interactions as well. You might be flirting because you're interested, but you may believe that the other person is flirting because they feel obligated, or because they just like flirting. Negative thinking definitely makes a difference in interactions!

At the end of the day, your thoughts really influence your perception. Try to stay objective and not let your mind overpower you (easier said than done)!


So what can I leave you off with after all this information?

Everyone is scared of rejection, so don't be afraid to make the first move if you really want to!! And what do you have to lose, you'll probably never see them again, and if you do it's OKAY, you're not alone.



Challenge of the Day

Try to flirt a little more if you feel like it's appropriate, make a move if you're feeling the confidence you should! Don't let your thoughts get ahead of you, you got this!

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