Ever find yourself stuck in a situation where your significant other wants one thing and you want something different?
This can happen in any relationship, even with friends. So what do you do when you're both on a different page? Now when I say different page, I'm not just talking "what's for dinner?" or "what are we going to do today?", I'm talking about the bigger things too.
You fight with your partner about something and she wants to talk about it in the heat of the moment, whereas you want to get out of there and cool off by yourself.
You want to see your partner a few times a week but they they have a busier schedule than you.
Or even, you want 4 children and your partner only wants 2.
Let me make it very clear, in my humble opinion, that it is important to figure these things out before you commit to your partner for the rest of your life. An overview of divorce studies by Sheela Kennedy and Steven Ruggles in 2014, revealed the percentage of ever-married couples who had ever been separated or divorced skyrocketed to approximately 45% by the year 2010. These are caused mainly by "idealized romantic beliefs" and "dysfunctional relationship beliefs". To understand what these mean, I created a cute little list:
So let's start by pushing these beliefs to the side, and getting a good grasp that relationships involve work. This work can be made easier by first understanding yourself and your needs, and following what I've called the 4C rule. This rule will help you practice healthier relationship skills, reduce conflict, and help your relationship last.
DISCLAIMER: This rule is completely experience, opinion, and research based. You may choose to follow this or not. Your choice and the direction of your life is completely up to you.
So what is the 4C rule - or should I say - what are the 4 C's?
Communication
Consideration
Cooperation
Consistency
Now, what do they look like?
COMMUNICATION
- expressing yourself openly
- saying what you need to your partner
- avoid usage of negative tone and vocabulary
- helps the other person understand you and your needs
- important to keep assumptions away
CONSIDERATION
- listening intently to what the other person is communicating
- be open and understanding
- being mindful about their needs/wants/feelings
- think about how their needs effect you, can you meet them halfway or not?
- think about how your actions may effect them
- taking the other individual's perspective
COOPERATION
- not the same as compromise
- coming to a conclusion that both of you are happy with
- working together
- talking in a transparent manner
CONSISTENCY
- staying firm on your beliefs and values
- be true to yourself
- be firm on what you can and cannot accept (sometimes your values don't align)
Every friendship or relationship will have differences, and each individual is different as well. What's important in a healthy relationship is determining how you will approach this indifference and how valuable it is to you. Always start by learning more about your own characteristics and emotions.
Challenge of The Day
Reflect on your relationships and think about the times where you argued with the other person. Think about what was said, how you treated them and vise versa. Next time, try using the 4C rule and be mindful about where the conversation goes.
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