Relationships are informally give and take, with the main goal being a sense of balance and happiness between both individuals, and not so much feelings of being taken advantage of. Unfortunately sometimes you will experience being taken advantage of or giving more than you receive, or on the other side sometimes you'll be the one taking advantage, maybe. Lately, however, I've been encountering many women - and men - who have such high expectations out of their (potential or current) partner or friend. How do you know when it is enough taking, or if you're showing appreciation for things received?
In a more recent post, I talked about freedom within a relationship. What it means to be free, how it can be beneficial, and why it's even important in regards to love and relationships. We can tie in freedom to give and take. How? Well, let's think about it this way. Let's say you as an individual really value gifts of appreciation (so your love language is mainly receiving gifts), but your partner doesn't seem to get you gifts ever. Maybe one thing you start doing is keep telling him or her to buy you gifts, eventually if they don't buy them you will get upset, then it goes back to asking them again and maybe even getting mad when they keep forgetting. Are you following so far? Your partner, who now is getting yelled at for a love language (s)he does not speak to, feels obligated to do things for you (like buy you gifts). You then slowly transform into the hand depicted in the picture to the left.
Steven Stosny on Psychology Today breaks this down a little bit and explains how sometimes our needs are more emotional rather than logical and that maybe this needs to be altered. You can check out the exact article here, but let me talk a little bit about what he's brought to light. He says humans have two sets of needs: perceived needs and desires/values. According to Steve, perceived needs are known as emotional needs and are "a preference or desire that you've decided must be gratified to maintain emotional equilibrium", whereas "desires and values are positively motivated".
Still don't get the difference?
Going back to how love reacts in your brain, we can link these together. Emotional needs are very basic and primitive, most active at the beginning of love when dopamine release is higher than normal. Desires and values are like the logic centers in your brain, appreciative and more real to who you are and your deeper core needs. Steven relates emotional love to the kind of love toddlers need - strictly emotional, playful, fun, they don't know what they want or who they are. But he clearly states a more 'adult' look on love is to understand your core and be able to translate that and sue it to positively drive your relationship.
At the end of the day, we have to give and take equally to have a healthy and balanced relationship. Although certain situations might involve you and your partner sticking it out for each other, depending on how strong your relationship and connection is. Lately though, I've been meeting a variety of males and females who sit back and wait for things to come to them. They wait for the other person to make all the moves, they wait for the other person to pay all the time, they wait for support from the other person, without actually giving anything back in return. This is highly unhealthy. To have a successful relationship you must work with your partner, attempt to meet them halfway, desire to please them and not just yourself.
Now this doesn't mean expect nothing. Of course your partner should be treating you how you want, with respect, trust, loyalty and whatever other qualities you find important in a relationship. If you and your partner have tried to compromise and give/take equally, yet still find it a difficult task, then maybe your languages or experiences are preventing that from happening (which we will discuss in a future entry!). It really depends on what you and your partner both need and want.
Challenge of the day
Look back into your life on a time that you and your friend or partner were in a give and take situation. What did you get and what did you give (if anything)? Was it easy for you to give and show appreciation? Did you find yourself asking your partner for more? Tell me more! In addition, I challenge you to show your love for someone today, whether it be family, friends, boy/girlfriend.
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