top of page

Latest Articles 

Anchor 1
Search
Writer's pictureDaya Montakhebi

Long time doesn't mean good time

Have you ever heard about or been in a relationship yourself where the two people in love are so very passionate for each other? During the good times they can defeat anything, but during the bad times... well it's just beyond messy.

These relationships are complicated; you have such a strong desire for your other half, but torn up pieces are hard to patch up. I want you to take a minute, and look at the picture above. What kind of emotions does it make you feel?


You break. You cry. You laugh. You embrace. You long for. You resent.

You're confused. You're passionate. You're torn.


Here's a great song to depict how challenging it can be, to be in this kind of relationship.


I have definitely been in a relationship like this one. The first time we hung out, it seemed like we would be a power couple. Some people actually commented on that too, surprised after we told them it was our first date. Man, was I ever on a lover's high on this one. We spent a lot of time together that summer, making each other laugh and happy. However, there were some things that did bother me. He didn't check in on me as much as I liked, and if I wanted to talk it felt like I had to reach out first. This never really changed. Ahem, actually it did, just joking! It became worse. Well, I sucked it up and then school started for both of us. He became a lot more busy than I did and I couldn't handle that to begin with, our schedules would barely align and he was a huge night owl.

He also had a lot of girlfriends that I never got to meet. Being the night owl that he is, he would hang out with them later in the evenings and nights. This caused one of our first fights. I told him I didn't like him seeing those girls so late at night and that I'd prefer if he saw them during the day. His argument, 'what difference does it make what time? Anything can happen anytime'. Fair enough, but to me it made me uncomfortable and uneasy. After 15 (ish) minutes of arguing, I would tell him I'm uncomfortable and he told me I shouldn't feel that way and meet them anyways. I decided to accept what he was doing - well at least I tried to accept it.


Fast forward a year and our arguments got worse, and he would actively ignore me when he didn't feel like 'dealing with me'.


Now let me be clear here, he's not the only bad guy here. After I started feeling ignored and deprived of my needs, I stopped being so understanding and supportive towards him. Of course at the time I thought otherwise.


Now the bad times, the arguments, the fights, the disagreements, the resentment, all got worse over time. So what kept me with him? First, I thought I loved him, I thought he was the one for me because everything he was I could see my father accepting (don't deny that's important to most of you), and the most impacting point was that during happy times it felt like NOTHING could destroy us.


Well, let me be clear with another point - unless you actively work and cooperate in ALL TIMES with your partner, anything can destroy you.


Fast forward 3 years, 3 failed break-ups, 100+ arguments, and 100+ great times, and I lost my patience. When we would argue, unless I agreed with him we would continue to fight. When we disagreed, I felt like I had to change my opinion and adapt to him. When I gave him the silent treatment like he did, he didn't like it. When we tried to 'agree to disagree', there was still none of that without lots of fighting. But then I would have a lot of inner conflict telling me I can't adapt to him, and we would have repetitive fights and I would be referred to as a liar for not voicing my opinions in the first place. Frustrating when I actually did. Are you following?

When I wasn't getting what I needed and my feelings were being dismissed, I was unable to be patient for him, I couldn't give him the time he needed to study and work, I started to get controlling and more needy than before. But again, the days that we were good gave me hope that things could be like that forever.


I lost my patience after 3 years and this switch flipped in my mind. I no longer was longing for him, I was no longer attracted to the person that he was, I resented him for the tears he took from me. We broke up and things flipped 360. He realized what had happened and that I wouldn't just let him fuck with my mind anymore. Typical though, he did anything to keep me around. Told his family about me finally, started talking to people about me more often, wanted to come hang out with me and my friends during holidays, made the effort to see me whenever I wanted. Most importantly, he started addressing my feelings and realizing that we need to compromise.


Imagine how hard it was for me to leave him after that. Things were finally going the way I wanted.


So what's the point?

I mean, I've made a lot of points here, but the one things I want you to take away from this is look at the give and take in your relationship. Do you feel taken advantage of? Do you feel dismissed or unheard? If so, then take some time to address that to your partner. How does he/she react to that? I failed to stand my ground, and that's the first mistake I made. When I did later on, I was a liar for telling him I understood.


What lesson did I learn?

Sometimes two people are too different. I experienced times with him that things improved temporarily, but never permanently. Sometimes your opinions on things (like when to hang out with people of the opposite sex) are different and consensus is a far reach. BUT YOU HAVE TO STATE YOUR OPINIONS. You shouldn't be afraid of your partner not agreeing with you, or making you feel worthless at times. There is someone out there that you will get along with 90% of the time - instead of 40% - and work with better as a team-mate, which is what your partner should be.





Challenge of the day

Think about a relationship that looks like the one I depicted here for you today. How do these two people get along? How often do they argue? More so, how do they handle their arguments? Tell me a bit about it!

41 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Comments


bottom of page