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Writer's pictureDaya Montakhebi

Look for you within yourself

Updated: Apr 24, 2018

Relationships take work, but have you ever found yourself accommodating for the other person because you want to make them happy, but you find yourself unhappy still?

Conflict in a relationship

I tried to agree with what he said, but a short time after I still wasn't happy.

To help you understand a bit more about what I'm going to be talking about here today, I'm going to distinguish two types of conflicts within a relationship of ANY KIND. The first type of conflict is conflict between two people, let's call it internal conflict. This is basically when you and your partner come to a disagreement. The second type of conflict I'll refer to as inner conflict, which Gordon Training International defines as a "kind of conflict [that] arises every time you’re faced with making a decision... involv[ing] a struggle between doing what you think you 'ought' to do and being your true self." This second type of conflict in my opinion is a strong indicator of if your relationship will succeed or not. As humans though, we tend to automatically push conflict to the side, and this can be dangerous when it comes to inner conflict - we may consider it insignificant, or ignore it altogether.


Pay attention to your needs

As you might have read in my other posts, the last long-term relationships I was in was a slight struggle. Of course, being in love, at first my reward system was booming... but then my logic and reasoning kicked in and (now I realize we were just two different people) we would get into little arguments about things we found important. But what was my first mistake? Ignoring my inner conflict and trying to agree with things he said, I figured I could easily adjust.

Of course in any relationship, fighting of some kind is normal. Let's be real, it's not like you're going to agree with everything your partner says. Why was I going through inner conflict though? If I loved him, I thought I should be happy making him happy. What had happened though was I found myself trying, but at the end of the day, or week, or month... I still didn't feel happy.


How I got rid of that inner conflict

It's not easy knowing what you truly want.

Over time... given a long time... I finally started listening to my inner conflict and actually addressing it. And let me tell you, it was heartbreaking. I'm going to save you the details, but I started realizing that my inner conflict was telling me that I don't genuinely agree with him and that I needed to find compromise.

Sadly, this just caused more conflict... when you act a certain way for almost a year (or more in some cases), your partner gets accustomed to who you are. But wait a sec. I never taught him who I was, I just tried to be like him.


Do you realizing what I'm trying to say here?


The point I'm trying to get across here is, FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT, before you hop into a relationship or rush things with your current belle/beau.


Figuring out what you want and who you are isn't a simple feat, but I've posted a step by step procedure (taken from the lovely Sarah Knight's "You Do You",great read by the way), to help you figure out where to start. Check it out in my post titled "Figure Yourself Out.. or start to".






Challenge of the day

Next time you and your partner get into an argument, take a step back and breathe. automatically you're going to point out a million things they did wrong, but think for a second 'why did that bother me?'. What did you think of? How did the conversation change after that if at all? I'd love to hear more!

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