Alright guys, long time no talk! I've actually been super caught up trying to make my life busy, believe it or not... I've started a new job, been volunteering with two non-profit organizations, and I decided to put some of my talents into creating simple (yet I hope still classy) pieces of jewelry! Sometimes it's overwhelming because I still have yet to manage my time more appropriately, but slowly it's coming together.
That's what I came here to share with you all today.
Okay, so I've been busy. So what?
Join me for a nice walk through this forrest of opportunity as I explain myself.
Let me backtrack so you can follow along. As you have read in my previous blogs, I have been in some damaging relationships. I hold mistakes too such as putting the other person before me, as if I was being self-less. You ask, isn't that a good thing? It was a mistake simply because finally I realized I was harming myself each time I acted to benefit them. So I vowed to myself to change that, to start being self-less if it meant I at least wouldn't be hurt. How was I supposed to do that? I created a mental list of things I could tolerate and vowed, on top of that, to speak up if something was bothering me. For example, I knew that if I was going to sacrifice seeing my partner for a few days, I would appreciate him keeping contact with me via text/phone call within that time at least.
Unfortunately in previous relationships, I lost count of the number of times I said "okay, it's fine" when truly, it wasn't. Tying back to being true to yourself! Why wasn't it fine? What could have made it fine? Why didn't I speak up? So as you can see, I tried to be okay with things and tolerate more than possible. Eventually I lost myself, believing what I wanted wasn't worth it, or was to much to ask for, or would ruin the relationship (well let me tell you now if it ruins the relationship, clearly it wasn't meant to be).
Anyways, for over a year now I have spent time being alone and attempting to find myself again. I have come across many girls and guys who have desired friendships (and more) from me. At first I was befriending anyone and trying to be as social as possible. That got me into trouble (take that as you will), and I found myself involved with people that were ultimately harming me and/or influencing me to harm myself (totally not their fault - it was a personal choice and mistake). Slowly with practice, however, the vow I made to myself began shining through. Seeing myself go through the same pattern with open eyes definitely helped. I pick and chose who I continued relationships with and cut off those negative influences. Maybe realizing they had no benefit to my life helped.
In this time, lots of other things changed too. I left a job that made me hate my life, I realized how fake the people closest to you can be, I struggled with being alone, and on top of that I was using the only energy I had left to support others in need during times of crisis. Sure my energy was being spent doing something beneficial, but I could hardly keep my head up, let alone convince myself things were going to be okay.
So this is where the fun - as I like to refer to it now - begins. I don't know what got into me, I can't tell you the secret because I don't think there is one. One day I decided to take the extra time that I had and figure out what kind of hobbies I like. That same day I told myself "just do it" and PURSUE them. I was unemployed and looking for employment at the time (which let me tell you guys at an economic time like this, it felt almost impossible, especially in my field), and I was spending all my time sad, watching TV, crying (I have no shame), or applying for jobs. I was over it. I thought to myself about the interest I have in music and one day caught myself somehow free-styling behind an vocal-less beat I found on my phone. I decided that day to create an Instagram page (@dz.jamz if you want to check me out!) to motivate myself to do something once a day - in this case, rap. Of course, I'm no #CardiB, but the first few videos got my friends interested, they became so supportive and backed me up. I manifested positivity on the outside of my life, from generating it on the inside first. I became more confident in myself, and in trying new things, which in turn motivated me to pursue other things.
Eventually - through lots of effort - I got a job finally! It was something important to me to pursue, and I did not give up. I knew to become happier I would need to get a job, so I had set my goal and did not lose (complete) sight of it.
While exploring my interests, I noticed my drive to educate people and support those in need (of course relating to my field of mental health). How could I educate people though? Well, best in a blog to start with! I then decided that making and writing a blog, teaching people how to empower themselves, would be a great release for me as well. And thus, you are reading through a subject I'm dearly passionate about.
Maybe the secret is, I never took no for an answer. I did not stop myself from experiencing new things, and I constantly drove myself to learn and learn and learn. In that, I learned that a few questions should be asked to yourself and not only thought about deeply, but ACTED upon.
Throughout the day, what makes me smile? (INCREASE IT)
What makes me happy? (INDULGE IN IT)
Who has my back? (APPRECIATE THEM)
What makes me sad/cry? (CHANGE or REMOVE IT)
What makes me feel worthy? (USE IT)
What makes me feel like myself? (PURSUE IT)
Not losing sight of who you are, means practicing your values on a daily basis
I planted a seed for myself. It was a positive mindset and took many, many baby steps to blossom with flowers.
Point is, stick to what makes you happy and what brings joy to your life. They say you don't need negativity, but it will always be there, change it into something positive or remove it if need be. Negativity helps too to figure out what you like and don't like, need and don't need. Embrace all of it and practice it on a daily basis. Write down your core values and what's most important to you, and don't ever let someone diminish or dismiss the importance you hold on something.
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