Recently I received a message from a reader, asking me to help him (or her) find a girl. I'm going to start this post off with some bad news... I cannot find a woman for you. I mean, maybe if we were really good friends I could help, under specific circumstances and conditions. What I CAN do for you however, is help you figure out what kind of woman you are looking for.
In the relationships I've been in, I'll admit now, I've never known what kind of man I was looking for. Do I want him to be smart? Do I need him to be good looking? Does the car he drives matter? Do his parents have to be together? Does he have to be a certain race/culture?
Of course as with everything else in life, my parents always tried to tell me what's right and wrong, and in this case what I should look for. He must not be Persian. He must have a good job. He must get all straight A's on his transcripts. And that's basically it for their suggestions.
But after finding guys that fit these categories (slightly), I realized I was still upset and there was always something wrong. I realized that the qualities these guys had did not make up for the ones that were missing. So what did I eventually consider important and how did I figure it out?
The first guy I dated was a nice guy, found during my phase of rebellion against my parents suggestions. He was in high school just like me, had a job aligned with what he liked, knew he had a passion for skiing and pursued it, and had a great family/support system. He was kind, supportive and funny. What didn't meet my standards was the conversations we would have. Although we didn't care much for meaningful conversation, when I did want that I felt limited on being able to do so with him. Not his fault at all.
At the beginning of my second relationship, this guy would go out of his way to make me feel special and appreciated. Eventually I realized he was nice, cared for his family and had a good job. But again meaningful conversation didn't really occur. In addition to that, I saw the cute gestures fading away and I became ingrained in his world. He was comfortable sitting at home doing nothing, and I wanted different things. I wanted to dance, he wouldn't; I wanted to go walk his dogs, he was too lazy; I wanted to go out into the city, he wanted to stay at home or in his car.
I left the second relationship in hopes that the third would turn out better. This guy seemed to have it all. All what though? What I realized later was he had everything my parents were looking for, for me. He was in university with me, he wanted to become a doctor, he had his priorities in order, he was not Persian, his family was together, and his support systems were strong. Over time though I realized that he was on a different path than I was and his priorities did not involve me in a way that made me feel confident and secure with the relationship. He was nice sure, but he wasn't cooperating with me, he was dismissive of my feelings, and when I needed him I felt crazy and 'too much'.
After all that, I reorganized my own needs and wants. I found out I need someone who won't make me feel needy or crazy, someone who I can have meaningful conversations with, someone who will cooperate with me and meet me halfway, someone who won't dismiss my feelings and someone who makes me feel confident in both myself and his loyalty. But let's be honest here, some things are universally important to all of us. Good looks, kindness, generosity, loyalty, honesty, and maybe a few more I didn't list.
Unfortunately, some qualities are prioritized over others.
I hear so many girls nowadays say that if a guy isn't attractive or fit, they won't even give them the time of day. Well... what if (s)he's the one for you emotionally?
At the end of the day, that's up to YOU.
Let me leave you with one more note.
The base of love is friendship.
Think about how your friends act toward you, or with you, or others. How do they represent you? Do they have qualities you like/don't like? Do you get along with them? Who don't you get along with and why?
It's important to be alone with your thoughts to be able to be able to analyze the feelings brought up. Write down a list of what you like and don't like. Being able to be team-mates with the person you are with is important. They say opposites attract, but personalities that are more similar can vibe better with each other. If your morals and beliefs are aligned with your partner, your goals and ambitions might be lined up too.
Challenge of the Day
I challenge you to go through the questions I asked here, and think about qualities you appreciate and don't really like in regards to those around you. The qualities you like *hint hint* are your guide to who will be a best fit for you and help you identify your qualities better as well.
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