Okay guys, I'm going to be super open with you in this post. I believe sometimes it's important to see that our struggles are normal, and the only way to get past them is to grow and develop as a person. But how are we supposed to do that? Practice, of course.
So what kinds of struggles have I been facing, you wonder? Well... my past is getting in the way of where I want to be now. It feels like emotional trauma. Some actions trigger it. Some sentences trigger it. Some sights trigger it. Believe it or not, even some smells trigger it.
It's a constant conscious and subconscious battle that my mind is facing.
WATCH ALL THE RED FLAGS.
But I just want to start over with someone new.
DON'T TRUST ANYONE.
But I just met this person.
READ BETWEEN THE LINES.
But the lines are so clear.
STOP. Is there really anything to be scared about? When you have a history like mine you'll say, well of course, look at all the similarities between the present and past. I'M OVER IT. Now, how do I really get over it?
First off, I'll let you know - this process I'm going to be exploring is something I've been (and continue to be) in the process of. It's not easy, but let me be one of many people to say with effort it has gotten easier.
Initially, I started doing more research about relationships and became interested in what professionals had to say based on research. I found an interesting article by Debbie McGauran, listing off 8 Distressing Facts On Emotional Trauma, talking about something called man-made trauma. This point designates trauma that arises "when violence or emotional wounds are inflicted by a person on whom the victim is dependent". Backing Debbie's claim is research conducted by Vandervoort, Debra, Rokach, & Ami in 2003, which better identifies man-made trauma as Post traumatic Relationship Syndrome (PTRS), stating that it in fact is a thing.
Something else I found that was interesting, and made me feel slightly more normal, was the following passage from a description of PTRS (developed from the research above and can be checked out HERE).
"According to Khan (1977), a traumatic intimate relationship does not have to include behaviours which are consistently traumatic. However, they acquire traumatic qualities when a series of intermittent traumatic experiences accumulate within one's interactions which may finally lead to a state of crisis or psychological breakdown. That changes the emphasis from "trauma" to a "traumatic situation", and converts it into a process - a process whereby the interactional framework, becomes a source of trauma for the victim."
To summarize the paragraph above, basically you don't have to constantly be undergoing traumatic situations, but over time if you have encountered enough that pass your threshold of personal comfort/safety, these situations might lead to a state of psychological breakdown. Something that we are trying to avoid at all costs. Another note pointed out by these researchers and psychologists is that deliberate trauma, caused by others (especially those close to you) is something that people have the most difficult time healing from.
Okay, cool. So after reading some more research and feeling a bit more normal, I attempted to increase my awareness on the symptoms that I could be having. Research on PTRS suggests that there are 3 main types of symptoms - keep in mind these arise after trauma has occurred and were not present beforehand:
Intrusive - recurrent thoughts/psychological distress
Arousal - physical symptoms such as sleep disturbances
Relational - interaction between members of relational unit
In trauma, fairness, justice, security and stability seem to be arbitrarily and universally removed
Alright, so at this point I considered it a good time to write a few things down.
This is an awareness exercise I've used from some training I've done in the field of mental health. I have not created this myself and do not take responsibility for it, I'm only sharing it for the benefit of personal growth for all of us.
As you will see, each box (and circle) has its own category that you will have to think about and complete: the situation, feelings arising from that, body reactions during, thoughts (before, during, and after), and what triggers the situation. I've put some examples based on information about post-traumatic relationship syndrome, to demonstrate what filling each category might look like for you (click on the picture for more information).
AWESOME. So now hopefully you have a better understanding about what's going on behind the scenes.
The third step at that point was to begin the healing process of the supposed PTRS I was having. I tried to find tips and tricks to online and one of the first subjects I found was regarding desensitization. This is a technique used by psychologists mainly to help patients recover from phobias. It involves 3 steps (click here for more):
Muscle Relaxation
Fear Hierarchy
Step by Step Fear Desensitization
Sounds feasible, but not so easy. I'll let you do your own research for what works best for you, but there are a couple more options out there:
Okay guys, so now you have a bit more of an understanding about potential negative thoughts and feelings, you can address them within yourself and you can figure out what you need to adjust for yourself, about yourself, only towards yourself. Remember, you shouldn't change for anyone, just like how you can't force someone to change for you. Communication is key, and if you need help from your support systems to get through a certain state of mind to grow, those people should be able to support you. But that's a discussion for a different post.
Challenge of the Day
Think about a time when your interaction with a loved one made you sad, upset, furious, or feeling lost. Fill out how you felt, what you thought, how you remember your body reacting (or how it's reacting from reminiscing), and the rest of the awareness exercise. Challenge yourself to complete it and break through and control your thoughts. I believe in you.
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