Ever catch yourself looking at someone with such deep satisfaction? With an overwhelming shadow of peace and temptation?
Me too.
This feeling is not only incredibly enlightening, but it's also - in my opinion - kinda scary. At that moment I'm staring at him, I know my mind is in appreciation mode but also it's freaking out. There's no way I could consider another human so perfect.
So what happens when you and this perfect woman or man reach a point of disagreement?
Well I'll start this off with - depends what kind of disagreement you're talking about. Disagreeing over what to have for dinner, for example, shouldn't have a negative impact on your relationship (hopefully). However, something like disagreeing over core values, might impact the relationship negatively. THOSE are the ones I'm referring to.
I'll give you an example.
In a previous relationship of mine, something I valued from the guy, was teamwork. Opposite of this was his value, of being independent. Now don't get me wrong here, independence is VERY important in a relationship - as I've mentioned throughout some of my blogs. You have to keep busy and maintain your own personal goal set (these we will talk about in future posts). So at the beginning, these two values tended to mesh well - we could work together yet still be independent at the same time, have our "me-time" and retain who we were. We compromised and reached middle ground...sometimes. When we didn't, things began getting a bit more difficult.
Let me give you a better example.
I wanted to spend as much time as I could with him, every chance I could, every chance he could. School became very intense for him, and slowly over time... well, that TIME disappeared. So I decided to confront him about it and come up with a plan of action. A middle ground, you could call it. At that time, we came to an amazing and peaceful agreement to schedule a day to see each other, so that he would have his "me-time" until then, and I would have the satisfaction of "we-time". I'll cut to the chase. That never ended up happening, I would complain, we would fight, he would get less me-time, and the cycle continued as I'm sure you can envision.
So this is the disagreement we came to. He didn't think lack of me-time for him was fair, and I didn't think not seeing him was fair. Coming to a middle ground apparently didn't work either.
Disagreements will come and go, but the example above is pertinent to understanding why this disagreement became a problem.
The common ground aimed at, was not actually hit.
So what should you do at times like this? Having lots of time to over-think this dilemma to myself *rolls eyes*, I managed to figure out a few questions that are super important to evaluate during times like those similar to my example above!
The first question to ask yourself, and in my opinion the most important, is:
What is the issue?
What are you guys disagreeing about? Is he making you feel like less of a priority? Is she ignoring your need for me-time? Whatever the disagreement may be, it's incredibly important to pinpoint it before you continue any further.
The second question to ask yourself, after determining the topic, is:
How would I like to compromise?
What do you need more of in the situation? Do you need more attention? Do you need certain things? How much of something are you willing to sacrifice? Are you okay with seeing your significant other a few times a year, month, week, or do you need to see them every day? Can you take turns visiting family during holidays? What can you live with and without? Keeping track of these things is important as you want to make sure you're taking care of yourself as well as your partner; relationships should be a mutual benefit and interest.
The second question to ask yourself, is:
How would my partner like to compromise?
Okay so you figured out what YOU want/need, but what about your partner? Does he need to see you as much as you do him? More? Less? Can she tolerate not seeing her family for a couple holidays? What can your partner live with and without? It's two of you now, not just one, and your decisions impact each other. Keep that in mind!
The third question is the most obvious I think:
What does the middle ground look like?
I like to use a Venn diagrams as an example of how to figure out middle ground. I'm sure you're all familiar with this type of diagram, where you take two circles and partially overlap them. This highlights the key similarities and differences between the two subjects. The similarities (where the circles overlap) will be your middle ground. What you both can tolerate will be met and what you can't tolerate will be worked around. After finding the middle ground, the plan must be put into action!!
In a perfect world the compromise will be perfect and you both will be happy with every decision, ya-da, ya-da, ya-da... BUT unfortunately, the world isn't perfect, it is merely a place where our best work can be done and we can only hope to get what we deserve. SO with that being said, sometimes the middle ground will be a little messy, sacrifices might have to be made, but at that point you should consider with yourself - is the sacrifice I'm making going to bother me?
At the very end of it all, if compromise has been attempted and it's not working, ask yourselves this:
Why is it so difficult to compromise?
Are your sacrifices hurting you? Is someone asking for too much? Was the situation approached in a negative manner? You may think in a self-blaming manner, or partner-blaming way. Do your best to separate yourself from that state - record all the facts and keep things as objective as possible. Feelings are okay to have, but make sure you're communicating enough to not let those feelings assimilate new thoughts and assumptions in your mind about the situation.
As a general topic I've brought up in most of my posts, it's important to stay true to your core values and beliefs. But keep in mind that you will not always have the same core values as someone else. As with everything in life, compromises have to be made and effort has to be put in. If you are willing to put in the effort, and make sure you're being taken care of as well, the relationship can really flourish into something more beautiful than it already may be.
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